Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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