I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
