Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
