??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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