I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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