sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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