I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
