the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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