Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
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I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
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He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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