and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
please don't ironically join a cult
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