just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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