I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
