between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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