Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
