Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
