im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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