I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
