did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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