Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
