this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
