You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
