I wish my penis had an off switch
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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