so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Can you repeat that, but with context?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
