You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
