I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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