Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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