you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
