So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
