morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
