i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
