You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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