I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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