I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
