A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
