The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
