I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Randomize
