They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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