my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
