i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
