Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i've created a new STD.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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