Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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