the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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