My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He shit in the fireplace
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
