I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
