Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
