I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
