I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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