Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
