So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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