Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm really busy with my period
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