my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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