well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
