bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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