WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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