The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
