and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
