Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
