i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
