go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
