Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
