uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
