I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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